Things which may or may not happen in 2014.

Some musings on a wet bank holiday New Year’s Day.

January. World Future Energy Summit, Abu Dhabi. Delegates decide to burn the whole lot, oil, coal, shale, fracked gas, tar sands, methane hydrates, you name it, it’s all going on the global pyre now.*

March. Epoch launched in Glastonbury UK. The advent of the Quantum-Neo-Pagan paradigm and the phenomenisation of the Necronomicon therein initiates a worldwide esoteric and metaphysical upheaval.

May. European ‘Parliament’ elections and local elections in the UK. The United Kingdom Independence Party wins all the seats. The Illiberal Dimocrat-Tory coalition collapses after a vote of no-confidence. UKIP wins a snap general election. Nigel Farage summoned to the palace. Britain quits the EU. Tobacco taxes reduced to sane levels. Smoking restored to pubs. The nation at last seems at peace with itself (except in Scotland and Northern Ireland of course), but fat people become the new social pariahs.

June. *IPCC Fifth Assessment Report on climate change is scheduled to be published. But all available venues now lie underwater.

September. The Scottish independence referendum narrowly passes. Forty two percent of people in Scotland refuse to give up British citizenship. King Alexander the First closes the border to prevent a mass exodus and a refugee crisis. A huge mob levels the ghastly Scottish Parliament building. The Rifles Brigade secures Glasgow and the Faslane submarine base. First Armoured Brigade takes Edinburgh and corners the rebels on Culloden Moor. Alex Salmond taken in chains to Tyburn Hill in London and pelted with rotten haggis for high treason. A new more modest Scottish assembly sensibly decides to raise the voting age to 25.

October. Islamic New Year, and for them it’s only 1436. In our 1436 Vlad Dracul became Duke of Wallachia. Assad or someone worse will probably remain in power in Syria.

November. EU Court of Auditors presents its audit of EU accounts for 2013. Billions missing as usual. German patience finally cracks and it forms a new EU consisting of just East and West Germany. Belgium finally abolished to everyone’s relief, with half going to France and half to The Netherlands. A semblance of Democracy finally restored to Europe.

We live in interesting times. Happy New Year.